


changes, they might drive you half-insane/but it's killing you to stay the same

by lostinbooks



Category: Infinity Train (Cartoon), Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Childhood Trauma, Crossover, Dreams, Emotional Baggage, Flashbacks, Foxes, Gen, Helping, Inner Dialogue, Lots of it, Marketplace, Meeting, Minor Original Character(s), No Romance, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, References to Canon, Running Away, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Worth Issues, Talking Animals, literally every single episode Steven gains a new traumatic experience, lying to self, playing loose and fast with canon, the train is a setting after all
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:54:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23903446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostinbooks/pseuds/lostinbooks
Summary: Title taken from Lauv’s song "Changes".Steven stared at the glowing green train. Was that usual, for trains to glow? Connie would know.He stepped in the train, and everything went black.{ON HIATUS}
Relationships: Steven Universe & Original Character(s), Steven Universe & Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 50





	1. i'm sick of the past i can't erase

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Infinity Train Book SU: Gem Shards (Steven Universe AU)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23685427) by [journeyboiii](https://archiveofourown.org/users/journeyboiii/pseuds/journeyboiii). 
  * Inspired by [Sempiternal](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22753390) by [Twilight_Petrichor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twilight_Petrichor/pseuds/Twilight_Petrichor). 

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title taken from Owl City's song "Silhouette".
> 
> It's been a bad week.

**“What’s his deal?”**

**“I don’t know, he didn’t say anything to me. He tried to call us earlier while we were on the field trip, I wonder if it’s connected to that?”**

**“Shouldn’t one of us, y’know, talk to him about it? What if something bad happened?”**

Steven sighed, closing his door and cutting off Garnet’s answer. He hoped they wouldn’t try to come up to talk to him; he’s already said enough today during his pink episode in Dr. Maheswaren’s office. 

Murmurs rose from downstairs with an occasional shout. Tuning them out (easy to do after Pearl’s and Amethyst’s constant- _don’t think about it_ ), Steven shrugged on his pink jacket, and after a minute of indecision, stuffed a pen and notebook into his pockets. He had a feeling he would need them. 

Steven stepped onto the balcony and watched the blazing orange sunset. “I messed up pretty bad today. Heh, all in a day’s work, right? This whole week has been like that. I just, I wish I could get away and figure this all out. I don’t know _what_ is happening with these new pink powers.” Steven stared down at his hands and shook his head, mouth curling into a grimace. “And right now, all I’m doing is hurting people with them.” 

Through the balcony door he could hear someone calling his name. Steven glanced between the ocean and his bedroom. He curled his fists and jumped over the railing. 

He landed in the sand with a light thump, before skirting around the cliff and out of view of the Temple. 

“I’m-I can’t talk to the Gems right now. They’ll just ask me about today and I’m.” Steven shook his head as he paced back and forth. “That’s not happening. I-I cannot tell the Gems what's wrong. Why not?" 

"What, what would I tell them?" Steven huffed out a disbelieving laugh as pink spread across his cheeks. "'Hey guys, I have these new pink powers that come every time I'm angry or scared, and it's all because I was traumatized as a kid! _That's_ why my brain is so screwy- not that you guys notice- and why I don't feel like I can talk to you guys!' Oh yeah, _that'll_ go over well. 

"I-I just want to leave it all behind." 

A memory popped into Steven’s mind. _“I-I'm sorry I messed everything up. I wish there was a way we could just... hang out without having to worry about stuff.”_

_“Steven, let's just hop on a bus and live somewhere else without telling anyone!”_

_“That’s a great idea!”_

“That-That could work.” Scrambling to get out his phone, Steven looked up the bus station location before yelping at the time and taking off. “The next one arrives in five minutes!” 

Distantly, Steven registered the world in slow motion as he passed through the Boardwalk. Plenty of patrons still roamed the Boardwalk, and most businesses were still open. The Gems were going to be able to see where he went. Steven decreased his speed as he cut through the back alleys, heading deeper into Beach City proper. He didn't know the places as well and didn't want to risk an accident. 

The world turned back into regular speed when Steven skidded into the dirty gray bus station, almost falling over a bench. “Three minutes to go! Yes!” Steven punched his fist in the air with childish glee. Now he could leave for a bit, figure out his pink powers and get himself together, and come back to Beach City as a changed teen for the better! 

Steven bounced on the balls of his feet with a grin, glancing up and down the street. In what felt like the blink of an eye, a train bustled by, stopping in front of him. Steven squinted at the sickly green light on the top and spilling through the windows, casting the bus station and himself into shadows. “Do trains usually glow like that?” 

The familiar green color reminded him of the hand ship when Lapis was trapped and Peridot and Jasper- Steven shook his head and refocused on the train. 

The sign above the door flipped over to read **Keystone.**

“That’s a whole state away.” Steven bit his lip, eyes darting everywhere before squaring his shoulders. “I’ll be close by! That’s okay, right? But I thought this was supposed to be a bus.” Steven stared at the metal contraption and shrugged. 

“Guess they sent a train in the bus’s place.” He stepped inside and everything. 

Went. 

Dark. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Please comment and subscribe!
> 
> i am having trouble with the cars!! If you’ve got any ideas for them, please tell me!!


	2. the skies are vast and no one’s a familiar face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title taken from NIKI's song "Switchblade".
> 
> Or, the Beach Car.
> 
> He's not in Beach City anymore.

Steven shouted as he woke up, rolling over in his bed. “Huh?” 

He was in a white pod. Part of it stuck up in front of him, with a TV monitor attached. Steven jolted as the TV booted up. A little white and black robot appeared onscreen and began talking in a bubbly tone. “Welcome aboard new passenger! I’m your conductor, One-One!” 

“What on earth?” Steven murmured, looking around. “I’m pretty sure trains aren’t supposed to be like this.” He was on a little hill, facing sand and a seashore. Wherever he was, it wasn’t Beach City’s beach. 

The TV caught Steven’s attention again. “-a lot of questions like ‘Where am I?, ‘Why am I here?’, ‘are snacks provided?’” 

“Yes to all three.” 

“For those of you talking to me like I’m there in real life, I’m not!” Steven frowned as One-One’s bubbly tone changed into a flat monotone- “I’m a cold, steely prerecorded video.” -and then back to bubbly. “And this is a train where you sort out your problems.” 

“I’m still on that train? I don’t think this is what most trains are like, but Connie would know better than me. And I, I guess I was trying to go to Keystone to solve my problems.” Steven looked down at his hands before noticing something strange. 

“How about that number on your hand huh? Pretty cool and green.” Steven stared at the sickly green _numbers_ lining his arm and hand. Had there been a mistake? Didn’t the robot just say he would have _a_ number? Wasn't he supposed to only have one? He waved his hand through them. The numbers didn’t budge. 

“Every passenger has one. The numbers are made by the train based on your life to help you have the most personalized experience that we can offer. If you want to go home, get your number down to zero and poof! Away you go.” Steven stared at his hand. Bits and pieces of the rest of One-One’s speech floated through his mind, something about ‘not being afraid to reach out with denizens’, ‘monsters with more teeth than body’, and ‘relieving liability’. The TV turned off. 

“Okay, so this isn’t Keystone. Obviously.” Steven chuckled, getting up and floating down to the beach. “I don’t know _where_ I am, but that robot, One-One said I had to get my number-numbers down. And after I get it down to zero, I can go home. 

“What else did he say? He talked about denizens, which kinda sounds like citizens which are people so, there must be _some_ around here. I bet they know stuff. And trains have different cars right? That’s what they said in the No Home Boys books anyways.” Steven smacked a palm in his hand with a grin, pushing down the fear creeping up his spine. “Therefore, I have to get to the next car! And figure out how to get my number to go down!” 

“That’s easy, it’s just down there! Jumpy person, aren’t ya?” The watery figure looked up at Steven and waved. “Name’s Randall. You’re new huh!” 

“Um, yeah. Sorry about that.” Steven floated back down. “I-I wasn’t expecting anyone else to be here. Do you know how to get my number down?” 

Randall shrugged. “Beats me. The cat and the girl just left through some red door down the beach. Hey, do you want that jacket to be a donut?” 

“Um, no thank you. Is the red door the exit? Where is it?" Randall pointed behind Steven. He started running in that direction. “Thanks!” 

Steven skidded to a stop in front of the door. Dark red, it had a golden handle as tall as him that looked like a figure eight cut in half. “Huh.” He turned the bottom part over and walked outside. 

Steven squinted against the wind and looked out in awed horror. “I know for _sure_ this isn’t what regular trains look like.” The train surged through a russet wasteland, stretched as far as the eye could see. A couple of blackened trees dotted the landscape, but otherwise? Steven couldn’t sense anything living. It was all dead. 

For a second, Spinel’s bioinjector flashed through his mind. If she had succeeded in poisoning the Earth, was _this_ what it would have looked like? Steven squared his shoulders and shook his head. "Focus Steven. You just have to get your number down and then we can get home. Think, what-what would C-Connie,” Steven choked past the word and all the memories it elicited. “What would she do?” 

Steven paced across the platform. “She would take stock of everything she has and uh, take notes on what the different cars are. So, I have to do the same thing! I have my jacket, phone, pen, and notebook. I’m guessing no signal, just like Homeworld.” Steven poked his tongue out as he took notes. “First car: Beach Car, Randall. Second car…I dunno yet! Onwards!” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Please comment and subscribe!


	3. and i can't ever seem to try and ask for help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title taken from mxmtoon's song "prom dress".
> 
> Or, the Marketplace Car.
> 
> Steven acquires some new items and acquaintances.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: panic attack

A clamor of faces, noises, and colors flashed by as Steven shoved his way through the crowd. 

“-freshly harvested glorbs-“ 

“Watch Puppycat fight against-!” 

“Get your own Mr. Pointy! Garlic not included!” 

Steven gritted his teeth as his legs burned. There was food here, but he didn’t have anything to barter with. He just needed to hold out until the next car. It was fine. He was fine. He hasn’t eaten anything for stars knows how long, but it was fine. The red door _had_ to be at the back of the car, and he was sick and tired of the stupid barter system here! 

“Excuse me, sir?” Oh no. He would recognize that high-pitched, posh voice anywhere. Steven spun around, pink enveloping his body and shield materializing on his arm. He hissed as the three dryads spun around him, and scanned the area for a flash of yellow and blue. If Aquamarine and Topaz were here...could the Gems- “D-down here sir.” 

Oh. _One_ little dryad stared at him in utter fear. “I-I’m sorry.” Pink receded into his skin as Steven kneeled with an apologetic smile, dissipating his shield with a snap. “I-I thought- never mind. My name’s Steven, what’s yours?” 

“L-Laurel.” 

“Well Laurel, is something wrong? How can I help?” 

“I-I lost my mommy and-and I don’t know what to do.” Her voice was eerily similar to Aquamarine’s. 

“Okay don’t cry! I can help you.” Steven got up, letting Laurel hold his hand. “I’ve got three questions, and then we’ll look for her, okay?” Laurel nodded. “What does your mom look like?” 

Laurel stared at the ground. “She-she’s tall and has short green hair. She was in a blue dress and had a-a shopping bag.” 

“Got it. Where did you see your mom last?” Laurel pointed down one of the other streets. “One last question and then we can go, okay?” 

Steven wore a small smirk. “Are you afraid of heights?” 

{%%%%%}

“Don’t you dare drop me you overgrown human!” Laurel screeched, clinging to Steven’s side as he jumped into the sky. 

He laughed, ignoring his churning stomach. “I won’t, I promise. Do you see your mom anywhere?” Laurel gulped and looked down, green tinting her dark cheeks. 

“I-I don’t- OVER THERE! MOMMY!” 

It all happened so fast. Steven as gasped as pain clawed at his insides. They went into freefall. 

“Steven! Steven what’s happening?!” Laurel screamed, glancing between his face and the rapidly approaching ground. 

Puppies. The Big Donut’s donuts. The Gems. Lapis, Peridot, Bismuth. Connie. None of them were enough. None of them generated enough happiness for him to float, and Laurel was still screaming. 

Dad. Dad has always been there for him, even when he didn’t understand gem stuff. His dad didn’t try to force him into a role. He just let Steven figure stuff out at his own pace. 

Steven opened his eyes to find Laurel’s dark brown ones inches away. “How did you do that?! I thought we were going to die! And-“ She sniffled, “it would’ve been all my fault! I’m so sorry!” She buried her face into his shirt, sobbing apologies. He checked her over. She wasn’t hurt, thank the stars. 

Steven landed onto the ground and sighed. “Laurel.” She hid deeper into his shirt. “Hey, Laurel.” He lifted her chin. Her jaw snapped shut with an audible click at the look on his face. “That wasn’t your fault.” 

“But-“ 

“Nope. This was all on me.” Steven let out a shuddering sigh, tears slipping down his face. “I’m so sorry Laurel. I _knew_ my powers haven’t been working lately but I still used them and almost got you-I almost... _killed_ you.” Oh geez. Stuffing that down to freak out about later. _Way_ later. Steven didn't notice his numbers spin at the thought. “But this isn’t your fault, okay?” Steven waited until Laurel nodded. 

Steven tried to let her down but stopped when she clutched at his arm. Instead, he looked up and flinched as the world returned around him with a vengeance. 

“By the conductor, that was terrifying!” 

“Are you kids okay? Need any fixer-up potions? Half price only for you hero!” 

“Nice save passenger!” 

“Um-“ Steven gulped as the crowd pressed around him in triplicate, staring at him, wanting to know all about him, Steven Universe the heroic passenger- 

“Everyone, my daughter and the passenger are fine!” Steven jolted at the loud shout. “Please return to your businesses!” The crowd dispersed within minutes. 

Steven gulped again as a dryad fitting Laurel’s description walked through the crowd. “I’m so sorry Ms. Laurel’s mom!” Steven blurted out when the dryad was close enough to hear. “It’s all my fault, my powers weren’t working and I didn’t think- I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to endanger your daughter!” 

“Were either of you harmed?” Laurel shook her head. A bold grin split across her mother’s face. “Then no harm done! I may be so bold to say Laurel might have _loved_ it. My name’s Azalea.” 

“You’re-you’re not mad? And I’m Steven,” He asked. His arms trembled as he let Laurel down. 

“No, unless you were _trying_ to kill my daughter?” 

_Kill. Kill. Kill._ The word bounced in his mind as Steven frantically shook his head. His headache worsened at the motion. 

Azalea clapped her hands and started walking. Steven followed. “Then it’s okay! Now, I know you’re looking for the exit, but I’m sure you’d like to eat before you go.” 

Eat? “That-that would be amazing.” 

The dirt streets turned into cobblestone as the stalls faded into houses of all shapes and sizes. Azalea stopped in front of a jade split-level home, unlocking the front door. “Please come in.” 

The foyer was open, if small and well-used. Dirt carpeted the floor, or maybe was the floor? Steven wasn’t sure. A staircase took up most of the room, while the kitchen peeked out from behind the steps. The living room had a plushy black couch and a glass coffee table, with a grass-green rug tucked underneath. An overflowing bookcase took up the wall. 

“Laurel, go prepare a kit please.” Rolling her eyes, Laurel snapped a salute and scampered upstairs. 

Steven followed Azalea into the kitchen. “When was the last time you ate, Steven?” 

“Um.” He counted on his fingers and bit his lip. “I think five cars ago?” He looked up at a loud thump. Azalea stared at him, a cucumber on the cutting board underneath her. She must have dropped it. 

“Are you sure? How are you still _alive?”_ She whispered. 

He shrugged with a nervous grin. “Just lucky I guess.” He couldn’t tell her it was because he was a hybrid. Steven didn’t have plans of telling _anyone_ on the train of that. How long could _humans_ survive without food again? 

“He-ugh. Steven, you’re welcome to the pantry.” She jabbed a thumb to the door behind her. “Take anything you’d like. Cups are on the middle shelf.” 

“Really? I don’t want to be a bother-“ She gave him another flat stare. “Okay, thank you.” Walking around the counter, he opened the door and looked around. He didn’t want to raid it, though it was nice that Azalea said he could have anything. 

“That’s all?” Azalea asked when he walked back out. Steven looked down at his handful of granola bars and various fruits. 

He shrugged, stuffing them into his pockets. “I don’t want to take all your food. I don’t have anywhere to put them either.” 

Azalea smirked. “Don’t worry about that. Do you have a favorite dish?” 

“Um, not really,” Steven spoke between bites of an apple. “I’m a vegetarian so I eat fruits and veggies, but I’d go for anything at this point.” His stomach gurgled to underline his point. 

“Would vegetable broth be okay?” 

“That sounds delicious.” 

Laurel skidded into the room, almost crashing into Steven. “I’ve got everything!” She stuffed a cheeseburger backpack into Steven’s arms, missing his flinch. “The wall got kinda finicky but you’ve got clothes, a survival kit, some food, everything you need to enjoy your stay on the train!” 

Steven blinked. “T-thanks, Laurel.” 

“No prob Bob!” Laurel chirped. And _oh_ if that didn’t trigger memories. 

“W-where’s the bathroom?” Azalea and Laurel stared at him. 

“Down the hall, second door on your left. Is-“ 

“I’m fine, thanks!” One second he was in the kitchen, the next he was in the bathroom. 

_“No prob Bob!”_

_“It’s Lapis. Well, goodbye.”_

**Am I ever going to see her again? Will I ever see anyone again? I-I mean the conductor said I can get out when my number gets to zero but who knows-**

Steven let out a small laugh, a sob breaking it into two. “With all these numbers...” 

**How long will it take? But I can do it! I’ll get off the train and go home and see everyone and it’ll be fine! Everything will be okay!**

**But what if I don’t want to see everyone? I don’t-I can’t-**

**They can’t see me like this-the, the stupid little kid who messes everything up at the first chance he gets!**

**Nothing will solve that! Being on this train won’t fix it, going back home won’t fix it, the way I could change-the only way I could actually be different-**

**(But I’m not like-)**

“Steven?” He yelped as a lilting voice asked from behind the door. “Are you-are you okay?” 

“I-“ His voice cracked. “I’m fine! So-sorry-“ 

“No no, it’s okay! Mama’s almost done with all the food and sent me to check on you.” 

“Oh.” **You stupid idiot, why do you keep making people worry?** “T-tell her I’ll be right out!” 

“Okay!” Laurel scurried away. Steven uncurled, laying his head against the floor. 

The tiles were cool. His mind was blank. Time was meaningless. 

. 

. 

. 

. 

. 

A flicker of a thought drove Steven to get up. His clothes were dirty. He needed to shower. 

Steven tugged his backpack over to him, rifling through it for a new change of clothes and a shower kit. He turned on the water and stripped, placing his dirty clothes in the meat pocket of his backpack. Steven sat in the bathtub. He flinched as the spray hit him, before letting out a deep sigh. Weeks’ worth of stress seemed to melt away from the feeling of the warm water. 

Steven scrubbed at his skin, dirt making way for pale peach. The water turned even more brown as he washed his hair. 

“Steven?” Someone knocked on the door. “Lunch’s ready!” 

“I-I’m almost done! Sorry!” He toweled himself off and changed, looking over the outfit Laurel picked for him - a simple black shirt, jeans, and a gray hoodie. Perfect. 

“You’re okay! Ma just wanted me to tell you and make sure you didn’t fall asleep in the bath!” 

{%%%%%} 

Steven rubbed his neck as he walked back into the kitchen. “Sorry to keep you guys waiting.” 

“It’s alright.” Azalea frowned as Steven sat down. “Are you okay?” 

“I’m fine!” Steven’s smile didn’t reach his eyes. “I just really needed that shower.” 

Azalea didn’t point out that he was in the bathroom for a long time _before_ she heard the shower start. “Alright. Everyone, dig in!” 

“Why is it veggie soup?” Laurel asked, looking at the vegetables in her bowl with disgust. “I don’t want it.” 

Steven winced. “Sorry about that, it’s because of me. I’m a vegetarian.” 

“Whazzat?” Azalea giggled when Steven’s eyes widened as he looked between the two dryads. 

“It means he doesn’t eat meat. He eats plants instead.” Laurel gasped, drawing back from Steven. 

“Does that mean you eat trees? Are you going to eat _me?!”_

“Of course not! I eat lettuce and stuff.” 

“Ohhh.” Laurel huffed. “Do I still have to eat it?” 

“Nine bites for the nine year old girl,” Azalea answered with a wry grin to the scathing glare her daughter gave her. “You know the drill.” 

“Doesn’t mean I have to like it,” Laurel muttered as she dipped her spoon in. 

“Thank you so much for the food, Ms. Azalea, it’s delicious.” Azalea turned to the boy across from her. He had practically inhaled the broth; she suspected table manners were the only things preventing him from licking the bowl. “Is there more?” 

“Of course! Take as much as you need.” This boy was concerning, Azalea thought as Steven got up. She had thought this would be another in and out passenger. Give the kid the kit, offer him a meal, and send him on his way. 

But there were so many worrying statements embedded in his being: his constant ‘sorry’s’, his reaction to her brushing off his mistake with Laurel, his panic attack earlier, the refusal to even bring it up - it all painted a vivid picture that Azalea hated piecing together. What had this kid been through? And that wasn’t even touching on all of his numbers. Instead of one on his hand, they crawled up his right arm. It looked like a nightlight. 

After Steven sat down with his second bowl of soup, silence overtook the kitchen. It gave Azalea time to think. In good conscience, could she let this kid leave with all his numbers and problems? andAzalea _knew_ what the train was like. Couldn’t she just keep him here, and help him with it all? 

No. No, she couldn’t. That was the whole point of the train: for passengers to learn _on their own_ what their issues were and how to solve them. Azalea didn’t have the right to take that away from Steven. Plus, if the citizens of this car found out...Azalea shivered. She had made the mistake of keeping a passenger only once. Steven had the kit, she had fed him, now it was- 

“Ms. Azalea?” Azalea snapped out of her thoughts. Steven stared at her, worry overflowing in his bark brown eyes. Laurel ate pastries in her seat behind him. “Are you okay?” 

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” 

Steven flinched before assuming a small smile. “I’m fine. Anyways-“ 

“Are you? Your numbers say otherwise.” 

Steven’s eyes narrowed, neon pink spilling across his nose. Huh. “I’ll get them down, it doesn’t matter. Where’s the red door?” 

This line of questioning was going nowhere. She couldn’t do anything more for this kid. Azalea got up, Laurel and Steven following. 

Walking down the hall, Steven groaned. “How didn’t I see this? I ran right past it!” 

“You _were_ focused on bigger things at the time,” Azalea pointed out, drawing a laugh out of him. 

“You’re right. So, um, thank you for all of this. I-I really appreciate it. I-I’m so sorry for-“ 

Steven stopped as Azalea held up a hand. She smiled softly. “I told you this already, everything is okay. You didn’t mean to, and now you know better for the future. Better yet, you saved my daughter!” Laurel bobbed her head as Steven turned red. 

“But it was my fault in the first place! If I hadn’t used my stupid powers-“ 

“But she’s still alive. And _that’s_ what’s important.” 

Steven shook his head. “I still think you’re wrong, but okay. Thank you Ms. Azalea.” He knelt to give Laurel a hug. “It was nice meeting you Laurel.” 

“Don’t do anything else stupid, okay?” Laurel sniffed into his jacket. “You can’t come here every time you get hurt.” 

“I don’t think-“ Steven stopped when Azalea mouthed ‘don’t’. “I mean, I’ll try not to. No guarantees though.” Laurel nodded and stepped away before opening the door. 

“Thank you again. Goodbye.” 

“It was a pleasure! Goodbye!” 

“Bye!” Steven waved and closed the door. Laurel turned to Azalea. “I bet twenty Canadian dollars he’ll get out in two years. No, a year.” 

“I agree,” Azalea laughed at Laurel’s shocked look. “I don’t always disagree with you, daughter of mine. That boy will need all the help he can get.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Please comment and subscribe!
> 
> can you find all the references?


	4. small talk is a great disguise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title taken from Faith Marie's song "Antidote".
> 
> Or, the Purple Fox Meadow Car.
> 
> Who knew that planting an apple could tell a story? Steven didn't!

“Steven, you have to stop lying to yourself.” 

Steven rolled his eyes as he fell back into the grass. “I don’t know what what you’re talking about Connie.” 

Connie huffed. “You _know_ why you’re on this train, and you _know_ how to get your numbers down. You’re just too scared to do it.” 

“Okay, sure, but what if-“ Connie groaned as Steven continued, “what if I like it here?” 

“Steven...” 

“What’s not to like? I get to make new friends, see new places, discover new things- did you know what a harpsichord was because I sure didn’t!” Steven laughed. “And hey, I’m sure everyone’s doing _just fine_ without me at home to mess it up for them!” 

“That. That right there. _Why_ can’t you say that type of stuff around the Gems?!” 

Steven flinched. He tried to cover it up with a bright smile. “Because then they’d worry about me! I can’t have that, haha!” 

Connie stomped her foot. “Everyone’s already worried about you, Steven! You running away isn’t going to fix that; the only way to fix it is to get home as soon as possible! Who knows how much time takes place between here and the real world?!” 

Steven’s grin faltered. “Wait-wait what do you mean by that? This-the train is real, isn’t it?” 

Connie stared at him flatly, crossing her arms and rolling her eyes. “I _know_ you’re not this stupid Steven.” He flinched as she moved her hand in a ‘go on’ gesture. "Talk it out." 

“So, what, time moves differently here? How-how differently?” 

Connie shrugged. “Beats me, I only know what you know.” They both looked up as the world shuddered around them. “Looks like you’re waking up. I’ll talk to you later.” 

“Talk to me-wait strawberry!” He moved to grab her hand but she danced backward, beyond his reach. “Connie?” 

She gave him a soft smile, sorrow echoing in her wide eyes. “Sorry Steven. But it’s not me. You know that.” 

{%%%%%}

Steven woke up and scrambled to get up, searching the purple meadow for a brown figure, or even a red shirt. “It was a dream. Of course!” A bitter laugh escaped his lips as he rummaged through his backpack. “She isn’t here idiot. Duh. It’s just….you.” He took a bite of his apple and shrugged on his pack, scanning the area again. The meadow went on for miles, disrupted only by a ring of hills in the far-off distance. Steven could barely see a little red dot at the base of one of the hills. "That must be the door." 

With a thought, Steven summoned his bubble around him and started walking, resuming his conversation with himself. “If Connie _was_ here, then the Gems- they would be too. They wouldn’t just let Connie find me on her own. Can- _can_ they find me? I mean, I’d think this place is on Earth but I’ve never seen anywhere that looks like outside but I haven’t seen much of Earth in general just Korea and Keystone.” Steven paused to take a deep breath. "So what if it isn't on Earth? Then they have Lion but you ran away so would Garnet be able to see where I am with future vision? 

“Connie isn’t here, so the Gems aren’t here and they would’ve rescued me if they were so nobody else is here. It’s just-it’s just me.” 

“Isn’t that good then? That they aren’t here, in this crazy train.” 

“Yeah, but,” The bubble popped. Steven stared at the ground. Thoughts whirled in his head like a carousel. **How long will this take? How long until I can get home? How different are the times? What are the Gems doing? How worried is everyone? I ran away, I just screwed it up like I always do. I'm alone. It's just me I don't want to be I want my family I want Connie I want Dad I want Amethyst I don't know I don't know!** The whining in his ears got louder and louder and louder- 

Steven belted out a sharp laugh, doing a full-body shudder. “Woo, okay. Got a little too emotional there, heh. It’s fine. You’re going to get out of here and everything-everything’s going to be okay Steven. Yeah. 

“Now how do I get to the door?” 

“By telling us a story of course!” The head fox yelped as Steven jumped into the sky. Again. How many times was this going to happen? People needed to stop creeping upon him! “My, you gave me a scare!” 

“I scared _you? You_ scared me!” 

“My apologies passenger, I didn’t realize! Are you going to come down, or shall we keep yelling at each other like this?!” 

“Oh.” Steven blushed as he floated to the ground. “Sorry.” 

“Nothing to be sorry for passenger, it was my fault.” The fox at the head of the skulk bowed. A little crown, gold with a small ruby in the middle, was nestled snuggly between her ears. “I am Queen Cerise of Foxter.” 

“Nice to meet you. I’m Steven Universe, the savior-I mean, of the Universes.” Like heck was he going to advertise his less than normal heritage. 

“It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance!” Steven nodded as she sat down. “We would like a story.” 

Taking a cue from her, Steven plopped in the grass. “A story? Why?” He asked, polishing off the rest of his apple. Digging a little hole in the dirt, he dropped the rim in and filled it back up with dirt. Hopefully, it would bloom, and then there’d be apples! Steven grimaced. It'll be _regular_ apples, not Steven apples. 

“Why did you do that?” Steven startled as the foxes clustered around the dirt mound. Cerise stared at him expectantly. 

“I didn’t want to litter, and hopefully, it’ll grow.” 

“Grow into what?” 

“An apple tree.” Cerise tilted her head with a puzzled look. At least, Steven assumed it was a puzzled look - foxes’ faces didn’t lend well to that sort of thing. Had they never seen an apple before? Foxes _were_ carnivores. Maybe they hadn’t. Steven grabbed another apple out of his backpack. “This is an apple.” He rolled it over to her. “You can have it.” 

She blinked as the other foxes sniffed at the fruit. “Truly, Steven?” 

“Yeah, of course! Don’t worry, I have a lot more food in here.” He patted his backpack. She didn’t move. Steven frowned. “Is everything okay? Did I do something wrong? I’m sorry if I did, I didn’t mean to-“ He stopped as she held up a paw. 

She smiled, one full of canines. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Steven. It is simply that I have never been given anything before by a passenger. Thank you.” 

Oh. “Um, you’re welcome!” Wow. That had felt nice. He switched gears. “Do I still have to tell you a story?” 

Cerise blinked again and then laughed, waving her paw. In a quick second, _(lights rushing by him in milliseconds, the Gems rattling against the hull of the ship, gravity itself pushing him down in his seat, “It isn't going to stop. There's no fixing this. It's all my fault! I rushed us! I pushed us into making stupid mistakes!")_ they went from sitting in the grass to standing in front of the door. Cerise laid a paw on the door, a click sounding from it. “Your gift _was_ a story! I wish you all the best with your next ones.” 

Steven shook his head _(the incessant beeping of the map, forcing his hand to reach the panel and hoping against hope that everything would be fine, that the Gems wouldn’t be mad)_ before he realized she was talking to him. 

“Oh! Um, thank you, I didn’t realize the door was locked.” 

“Some of them will be.” Cerise winked. “Best keep your wits about you.” 

“Yeah. Thank you again!” The door slid shut behind him. 

_(”I-I wasn't trying to be selfish. I just wanted to know what was going on for myself, for once!”)_ “Focus Steven.” Steven shook off the memory with a trembling smile, walking across the bridge. “Everything’s fine now, we’re on the train now! Not in space. That all happened in the past. It’s fine.” 

Steven opened the door, resolutely ignoring the white butterflies decorating every inch of the golden handle. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Please comment and subscribe!


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